Phrases to create suspense – P5 / P6 Composition Writing

In this series of tips on Composition writing, I will discuss ways to create suspense and create unexpected scenarios while keeping the composition realistic. I will begin with words and phrases for a composition with a Situation Outline that has been done during my lesson. Most of these phrases can be learnt and used again and again. Below that is the same composition taken from one of my students. The composition has been marked and only the grammatical errors have been corrected. This will show the reader how a student can use the helping phrases and add in his/her own points in the story. 

P5/P6 Helping Phrases to create suspense

Example
I was walking home from school when a large, black suitcase caught my eye..

First Paragraph

• Sun beat down on me mercilessly
• Desperate for a cool shower and some lunch
• Took the shortcut through the deserted, shady park
• Something caught my eye
• Curiosity got the better of me
• Looked around but there was not a soul in sight
• I bent over and reached towards the suitcase when I felt  someone grab me from behind and shoved me in some bushes

Second paragraph

• When I recovered from the shock, I looked around me
• Several muscular men with stern faces
• Was sure that I was being kidnapped and was about to flee for my life when
• CID badge, explained to me that they were on a sting operation
• The suitcase contained drugs
• Lying in wait, to ambush the drug smuggling ring
• My heart started to beat wildly in fear and excitement

Third Paragraph

• A few minutes later, a group of men walked casually up to the suitcase
• Unkempt, tattoos all over their bodies
• Looked terrifying
• A few of them had large parangs with them
• I froze in fear
• The leader of the gang picked up the suitcase
• The detectives leapt out of the bushes, rushed forward, shouting  at them to stop and drop their weapons
• Gangsters were not about to give up the fight
• Brandished their weapons and a fierce struggle took place
• Detectives overpowered them and handcuffed the men
• Emerged from my hiding place, legs trembling
• One of the detectives warned me not to tell many people about what had happened

Last Paragraph

• That night I could not sleep
• Learnt a valuable lesson
• Crime does not pay
• Mind my own business next time

Our Student’s Composition :         

       

The sun shone mercilessly down. I trudged home from school, beads of perspiration trickling down my back. My school bag weighed down on my exhausted shoulders. I wanted to get home quickly to take a refreshing shower. I decided to take a shortcut home through the deserted and shady park. I walked along the pavement of the park, the trees shading me from the relentless sun.               

Suddenly out of the corner of my eye, I saw a black, leather suitcase lying peacefully in one of the bushes. It was as if it was beckoning to me. Curiosity got the better of me and I surveyed the surroundings. After looking around and confirming there was not a soul in sight, I slowly crept towards the suitcase. My hand reached for the bag. Just as I was about to grab the bag, two burly hands roughly grabbed and pulled me behind some bushes. I was in a daze to see several muscular men with stern looks on their faces surrounding me. A million thoughts raced through my mind. Was I being kidnapped? Who were they? What was in the suitcase?               

Suddenly one of them pulled out a badge. These men were part of the CID! He then explained that they were on a sting operation and were waiting for the notorious gang, The Black Spiders, to come and collect the suitcase full of illegal drugs. They also explained that I could not leave until the operation was over. I was shocked and scared. My heart was hammering away in my chest. I stood stock still, filled with excitement and fear. They asked me to hide in a corner and I obeyed. After a few minutes, a group of men, some teenagers, casually approached the suitcase. They looked unkempt and terrifying. They had identical gang tattoos all over their bodies, depicting a spider. One of them, who had a pierced nose and dyed hair, stepped forward. He looked like the leader and suddenly I saw that they were all equipped with knives or parangs. I was paralysed in horror. I held my breath as the leader approached the suitcase and picked it up.               

The detectives leapt out of the hiding place and surrounded the gang. “Surrender and drop your weapons now!” one of the detectives commanded. Some of the teenagers took to their heels while the rest of the gang whipped out and brandished their lethal weapons. The gang was not about to give up and surrender without a fight. The fight commenced. I gasped in horror as I saw some detectives getting slashed. More officers and detectives came to the scene and soon overpowered the gang members. The gang members were forced to their knees and their weapons were confiscated. All of them were handcuffed and taken away. I clambered out of my hiding spot. I was sweating profusely and my hands were clammy. A detective gently warned me not to tell many people about this incident. I nodded and was sent home.               

That night I could not sleep. I had learned a valuable lesson that day and that crime does not pay. I should also mind my own business in the future!